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"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops. Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich. Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally. Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way. He wasn't amused, but he did say "You cracked me Up." Life is not a fairy tale. My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can't tell if the situation sucks or not. "The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity." -Abraham Lincoln If it's the thought that counts, think money. Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast. Just like everyone else." -Margaret Mead "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -Isaac Asimov "We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know." -W. Auden "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.

If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh? If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side. They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening. The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand. Shout "out" to baseball players who get three strikes. So if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I'm not sure how I'll feel. A skinny guy with a six-pack is like a fat girl with big tits.. Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? you're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel it's warmth. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party." -Ron White "Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." -Don Marquis "Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone." -Anthony Burgess "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often." -Oliver Herford "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep.

Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car." -Bob Monkhouse "At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

A first date gives you only an imperfect snapshot of who a person really is.